Eat My Crossbow
by Bohemian Rabbit
Summary: Only my friends will understand the title. A parody of the film


Reign of Fire Fan fiction

It was late in the evening. Dirty rain pounded on the scorched ground. Quinn sat on a dusty rock, thinking. He was interrupted by a roaring noise.  
"HELLOOOOO PEOPLE!!!!"  
_Oh God, not that stupid American twit again!_ Quinn thought to himself.  
"You got that right!" yelled Van Zan. Quinn was just wondering how Van zan could possibly have known what he was thinking when there was a swooping noise and he realised that his hair was singed.   
"I hate dragons," he groaned. As the beast flew over his head again he suddenly wondered why it was that dragons killed everything. If they destroyed everything on the Earth then they would have nothing to live on. He soon decided that it must be an error on the director's part.  
"HAAAAAAAAAAA! EAT MY CROSSBOW!!!"  
There was a loud crunch as the dragon daintily picked up Van Zan's crossbow and chewed it. It then looked around and picked up a tablecloth, which it used to wipe its mouth.   
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"  
"I never realised that dragons were such civilized creatures," Quinn observed.  
"Civilized? It ate my crossbow!" Van Zan shrieked.  
"You told me to eat it," said a deep voice.  
"What the…"  
The dragon nodded at Quinn and Van Zan before spreading its wings and flying gracefully away.  
"I'll kill that piece of crap!" Van Zan muttered angrily. "It's destroying everything! We have to KILL IT!"  
"Actually, I think I have a better idea," said Quinn.  
"IT KILLED YOUR MOM AND MOST OF THE HUMAN POPULATION! IT HAS TO DIE!"  
"True, it did kill just about everything, but have we ever tried anything _other_ than killing? Like a ceasefire, or something?"  
"Ceeeeeeeeessse fiiiire? What? I want to KILL!" Van Zan was getting a little carried away so Quinn decided to get straight to the point.  
"I suppose nobody ever considered asking the dragons to leave us alone?"  
"KIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" Van Zan screamed.  
"Let me do the talking next time we see one."   
Conveniently a large dragon suddenly landed next to them.  
"I believe you had something to say to me?" It was a very polite dragon.  
"Yes, actually. You see, we humans like to grow food to eat and we like to have the freedom to, well, live without getting barbecued for no reason. I was just wondering if you could possibly stop killing us? Would that be OK?" Quinn wanted to keep on the good side of this deadly creature.  
"I'll have to check with the only male of our species who happens to live in London, which is conveniently situated in this country not very far from here."  
"Thank you," said Quinn.  
The dragon flew away.  
"You disgust me. After all I've done for you, you go and try to make peace with the dragons?? They killed your mom!"   
"You're still here then? I was hoping that nice scaly dragon might have eaten you." Quinn didn't like Van Zan very much.  
"Yeah, I'm still here, and I wanna kill those creeps! Let's go to London and kill the only male of their species. Isn't it convenient that there is only one of them in the entire world, and that there is no chance of another one being born?"  
Quinn pondered this. It seemed rather unrealistic. Then he remembered that he was in Reign of Fire.  
"I don't want to go to London. They killed my mum. And I can't really ride a horse to London, and although cars and other motorized vehicles have been invented and are still being used, I still think my horse is a good way to get around."   
"Suit yourself. I'll just take a team of incompetent weirdos with me, get them all killed, then come running back to you for help with only that Alex girl to accompany me, and shout at your men for no reason."  
"Sounds OK, but can't we just skip that part? I'm getting bored."  
"Whatever. Here goes." Van Zan turned around, then he faced Quinn again. "Quinn, I need your help, I can't kill this dragon on my own!"   
"OK, Van Zan, I realise now that I cannot spend the rest of my life hiding from this evil dragon so I am going to help you." Quinn sounded lackadaisical because he really was bored.  
"This time lets just take you, me and Alex. This huge, powerful, monstrous, flying reptile will be no match for three weak and frightened humans!" Van Zan was enthusiastic.  
"Yes, what a good idea! Now lets be off shall we? Pip pip!"  
"Quinn, I know you're English but…"  
"Oh shut up."  
"OK." Van Zan chewed on his cigar.  
  
* * * * *  
  
As Alex flew the helicopter down the river towards London, Quinn and Van Zan were taking in the extraordinary views.  
"WOW, a rock!" Quinn exclaimed.  
"Oh man, I haven't seen one of those in seconds!" Van Zan was ecstatic.  
"Oooooohhh!" they both gasped.   
"Water!"  
"No kidding! Quinn, I never saw anything like this in my life! Except for the last time I saw a river…"  
"Men!" Alex mumbled as she prepared for their descent. They soon landed and climbed out of the helicopter. They could not see the male dragon.  
"He's playing Hide and Seek." Van Zan was suspicious.  
"More like Cat and Mouse," said Alex.  
"Playful chap isn't he." Quinn remained optimistic.  
Suddenly the next building burst into flames.  
"I think he's over there!" Alex whispered as she re-applied her lipstick.  
"Well done!" replied Van Zan.  
Van Zan suddenly picked up a large grenade launcher and fired at the dragon.  
"OUCH!" The dragon was not pleased. Van Zan fired again.  
"OOOOOUUUUUUUUCH!" it wailed.  
"Mister dragon, I would very much appreciate it if you would stop killing us," said Quinn.  
"Yes, but only if he stops shooting me." It pointed a claw at Van Zan. Quinn glanced at him and he put down his grenade launcher.  
"We will leave you alone now…" Suddenly the dragon fell down dead.  
"WOOHOOOOOO! There won't be any more dragons from now on!"   
Suddenly another dragon appeared.   
"You killed my boyfriend!" she shrieked. "What am I going to do? I mean, there are LOADS of other male dragons in other remote parts of the world which you humans could never reach, but I LOVED HIM!" She began to sob.  
"YOU TWIT!" Quinn punched Van Zan on the nose.  
"AAGHHH! I am big and strong and tough looking!" Van Zan punched Quinn back.  
"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!! I'll kill you, you stupid thoughtless American twit!"  
"You're funny," the dragon giggled. "Do you want me to tell the other dragons to leave you alone?"  
"YES!" everyone shouted at once.  
Quinn was overjoyed.  
"Great! Now we can all live together in peace and harmony! Isn't it great that we're all better people?"   
Soon the dead dragon's girlfriend took the place of Quinn's beloved horse when the horse wanted a day off. Van Zan stayed with Quinn and co. in the castle. Alex just hung around looking cool. 


End file.
